We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
