Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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