I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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