I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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