Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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