Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
