yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
