Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
