Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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