happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
