u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
