what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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