i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
