Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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