she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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