Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
