She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
