I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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