Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
