Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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