you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
