Kiss
Puke
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
