Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
