last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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