Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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