in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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