So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
