I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize