True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
