is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
