I wish I could teleport
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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