I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
