dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
