i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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