you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
