so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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