6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
