Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
