Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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