Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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