Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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