I'm jealous of your bromance
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
