batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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