I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
