You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
