there's paper in my vomit.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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