I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We left an ass print on the piano.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
