"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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