Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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