Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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