he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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