Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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