there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize