I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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