my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
