Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Your dad touched me again.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
