i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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