he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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