I wish my penis had an off switch
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize