I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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