this boner is exhausting
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
