So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
