I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
